Published by Jeff Becker of The Way That He Sings
Disclaimer: It takes a lot to put us on the edge. This list of schlock below actually gets worse each year – that's what sets them apart. This crap isn't just crap right now, it's timeless crap. The kind of crap you can pass down from generation to generation. Unfortunately we live in a free world where these collective poseurs can press this schlock onto a CD or throw it on iTunes. Yeah, we know there's a couple hundred-million bad listeners out there like those people that still listen to a 1988 Bon Jovi sing-a-long and think "OMG this.is.the.greatest.song.EVER". But the terribleness begins with these bands below. Thus, we bring you – the list of shame.
Entertaining to watch? Maybe – if you're twelve years old and still don't know that making music involves the use of humans that know how to play musical instruments. With truly epic, classic songs such as 'Boom Boom Pow' and 'My Humps' the Black Eyed Peas make groups like Funkadelic rollover in their grave (well, Funkadelic aren't all dead but whatever, you know what I mean). The BEPs write shit lyrics, fix their vocals with their autotune device until the batteries run low, offer no representation of musical talent and sell millions of records to the same kids that think American Idol is "just the best, mom". The Black Eyed Peas need to go blow away into the abyss. I hear their music and I want to steal Darth Vadar's light sabre and slice my ears off.
Ah yes, the soundtrack for bros and blowhards. Not only is the Dave Matthews Band music insipid, they play it off with a self-proclaimed 'jam' band tag that provides a false pretense that any genuine musical talent is soon to follow. They've earned the same amount of rock cred as The Monkees. But that doesn't slow down Dave and the Bros. Instead of dying off like any good disease should do, they're like the Energizer Fucking Bunnies that keeps evading your stomping foot. I would rather be the guy holding the bottle of ketchup at a hot dog eating contest than see Dave and the Bros "jam" live.
I don't care if they claim to avoid sex until they're married (like yeah right, surrrre they do). Boy bands just make teenage girls want to get laid a lot earlier than normal. I'd rather have my child grow a furry tail and listen to some kick ass White Stripes than immerse themselves into this top 40 bullshit of every-song-is-a-shitty-ballad-or-douchy-dance-along-on-our-equally-shitty-album. These bands are a terrible influence for children and they should be stopped, or kidnapped. Nobody would pay off their ransom. Young kids couldn't afford to pay it and I would personally lobby to increase the ransom amount if approached. Make your daughter listen to Radiohead for God's sake. She'll develop a stellar taste in music with no desire to have sex with Thom Yorke. That's a win-win for everyone.
She married K-Fed. She's a symbol of everything wrong with contemporary culture. She comes off as a bad mom singing crap songs off of crap albums that sell like crap covered in chocolate. Unfortunately for musical Jedi's like us, the sale of crap flavored chocolate is awfully high among 13 year-old girls (and 51 year-old men still living with their parents). If her cigarette and her children both fell to the pavement at the same time she'd grab the cigarette first and then show up at some MTV show three weeks later, looking sorta hot and sounding like shit, yet again. Unfortunately for Britney this isn't the hot list – it's the shit list and she ranks damn high. (Reminder: she married K-Fed.)
It took a lot of hard work by the other bands on this list to push these pigeons back to #6. They were the Dave Matthews Band of their generation with record sales that were completely disproportionate to the quality of their music. I hate every Eagles song really. They get worse with every listen that I'm forced to endure inside of those 3-star hotel elevators where this torture device of a band belongs. I actually don't dislike Glenn Frey, Don Henley and the boys. I'm sure they all tip well. Hell, they're probably great babysitters. But it's not my fault they suck so why should I feel bad? I just resent the amount of time I've had to spend explaining to my friends (while their heads were tilted at a 67 degree angle) why the Eagles simply suck. They. Always. Suck.
Daughtry? David Archletta? Jason Castro? Clay Aiken? Adam Lambert? And people eat this shit up every week. Who cares that you can drive your lazy ass a short distance to catch some epic indie band at the peak of its powers at a fine venue – hell no, honey – let's make some microwave popcorn and watch a bunch of shit cover versions from this 2nd-hand amateur talent show that feeds off the same audience that think the Harry Potter books were awesome and The Hunger Games were "too confusing". If I'm ever asked to watch this show for more than 6.5 minutes I will plot to destroy the universe.
Oh, groups like this make this list so easy. Does it really get any worse than this? You know they suck when one of the most popular Google searches that pops up with auto-prompt is 'Hootie and the Blowfish sucks". You don't even need to complete typing the sentence because Google does it for you – like a trained dog that has walked down the same path so many times. If this band still made albums they would be voted as the band I would most want to see abducted by aliens (one taste of these boys and the aliens will never be back)!
The only thing worse than Bon Jovi's fake brand of glam rock in the 80's is the fact that it got worse in the 90's. And then worse in the 00's. And by now, I'm afraid to know if he's still making music. They're like Nightmare on Elm Street. You go to sleep and hope it goes away but it just keeps coming back. Decade after decade and it just sucks more than last time. The best part about Bon Jovi music is that its like liquid Draino. You pour this music into your stereo and afterwards everything else you listen to sounds better. Fucking miracle mate! Bon Jovi is the classic rock ripoff. Let's get dressed up pretty, steal everything that was good about rock music, make it all a big fucking dumb sing-along ('Livin' on a Prayer', 'You Give Love a Bad Name') so they play it a thousand times for people that look no deeper into their music than they do with this crap band. I'm not saying Jon BJ is a bad guy – hell, he's probably opens up the car door for his lady and a super softball coach in his free time, but if I want to listen to someone talented I'd have better luck during happy hour at amateur karaoke night. Heck, you know they're bad when they make the Eagles look tolerable.
A true gift from the heavens for music snobs. Nickelback are established as the de facto standard for everything terrible about top 40 music. Nickelback aren't merely posers – they are the inflatable dolls that posers play with!! The worst Pearl Jam tribute band since Creed. Eddie Vedder should sue them everyday for royalties. Every person owning a Nickelback album or even a stolen mp3 (why in the hell would you steal a Nickelback mp3 is another essay) should volunteer to be shot out of a canon. Trust me, the sound of the canon is better than the sound of that mp3. So it's only truly fitting that we plagiarize within a Nickelback paragraph: From UrbanDictionary.com the street definition of the term "Rocks Like Nickelback" is '1. A phrase almost always used sarcastically to denote how much something sucks'. Don't believe me? Google it, and yes, Google will help you finish your sentence. Been there, done that.
#1 (Lord of the Poseurs)
The biggest, single fraud in the history of modern music and they sold 30 million records. If I were Scott Stapp's mother I wouldn't care how old he is – I'd still try and put him up for adoption. Creed used God as their bullshit inspiration with Stapp's fake Jesus look and his shitty ripoff Eddie Vedder voice and his fake tattoos. It took over a half decade before the bad listeners caught on. Took me about 37 seconds to figure it out and kudos to the other musical Jedi's who did so even faster than I. Creed used their fake brand of Christianity to sell records and fill arenas, which gives them the honor of being Lord of the Posers. They still sell out some arenas today but for those who follow them into that arena you've been seriously punk'd! The cheap toilet paper you used at that venue will add more positive value to your day than Creed. Wipe it with a smile!