The 10 Worst Bands. Ever.

Updated August 1, 2014
Published by Jeff Becker of The Way That He Sings

Disclaimer:  It takes a lot to put us on the edge.   This list of schlock below actually gets worse each year – that's what sets them apart.   This crap isn't just crap right now, it's timeless crap.  The kind of crap you can pass down from generation to generation.   Unfortunately we live in a free world where these collective poseurs can press this schlock onto a CD or throw it on iTunes.   Yeah, we know there's a couple hundred-million bad listeners out there like those people that still listen to a 1988 Bon Jovi sing-a-long and think "OMG this.is.the.greatest.song.EVER".   But the terribleness begins with these bands below.  Thus, we bring you - the list of shame.

 

#10 The Black Eyed PeasBlack_Eyed_Peas_-_Monkey_Business_-_CD_cover

Entertaining to watch?  Maybe – if you're twelve years old and still don't know that making music involves the use of humans that know how to play musical instruments.  With truly epic, classic songs such as 'Boom Boom Pow' and 'My Humps' the Black Eyed Peas make groups like Funkadelic rollover in their grave (well, Funkadelic aren't all dead but whatever, you know what I mean).  The BEPs write shit lyrics, fix their vocals with their autotune device until the batteries run low, offer no representation of musical talent and sell millions of records to the same kids that think American Idol is "just the best, mom".    The Black Eyed Peas need to go blow away into the abyss.  I hear their music and I want to steal Darth Vadar's light sabre and slice my ears off.

#9 The Dave Matthews BandDaveMatthewsBandEveryday

Ah yes, the soundtrack for bros and blowhards.   Not only is the Dave Matthews Band music insipid, they play it off with a self-proclaimed 'jam' band tag that provides a false pretense that any genuine musical talent is soon to follow.  They've earned the same amount of rock cred as The Monkees.  But that doesn't slow down Dave and the Bros.  Instead of dying off like any good disease should do, they're like the Energizer Fucking Bunnies that keeps evading your stomping foot.  I would rather be the guy holding the bottle of ketchup at a hot dog eating contest than see Dave and the Bros "jam" live.

#8 Jonas Brothers/Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block/N Sync/Justin Bieber51hZuMsQ3eL._SL500_AA300_

I don't care if they claim to avoid sex until they're married (like yeah right, surrrre they do).   Boy bands just make teenage girls want to get laid a lot earlier than normal.  I'd rather have my child grow a furry tail and listen to some kick ass White Stripes than immerse themselves into this top 40 bullshit of every-song-is-a-shitty-ballad-or-douchy-dance-along-on-our-equally-shitty-album.   These bands are a terrible influence for children and they should be stopped, or kidnapped.  Nobody would pay off their ransom.  Young kids couldn't afford to pay it and I would personally lobby to increase the ransom amount if approached.   Make your daughter listen to Radiohead for God's sake.  She'll develop a stellar taste in music with no desire to have sex with Thom Yorke.  That's a win-win for everyone.

#7 Britney SpearsBritney-Spears-Baby-One-More-Tim-133574

She married K-Fed.  She's a symbol of everything wrong with contemporary culture.  She comes off as a bad mom singing crap songs off of crap albums that sell like crap covered in chocolate.  Unfortunately for musical Jedi's like us, the sale of crap flavored chocolate is awfully high among 13 year-old girls (and 51 year-old men still living with their parents).  If her cigarette and her children both fell to the pavement at the same time she'd grab the cigarette first and then show up at some MTV show three weeks later, looking sorta hot and sounding like shit, yet again.  Unfortunately for Britney this isn't the hot list – it's the shit list and she ranks damn high.   (Reminder:  she married K-Fed.)

#6 The Eaglesthe-eagles-rolling-stone1

It took a lot of hard work by the other bands on this list to push these pigeons back to #6.   They were the Dave Matthews Band of their generation with record sales that were completely disproportionate to the quality of their music.   I hate every Eagles song really.  They get worse with every listen that I'm forced to endure inside of those 3-star hotel elevators where this torture device of a band belongs.  I actually don't dislike Glenn Frey, Don Henley and the boys.  I'm sure they all tip well.  Hell, they're probably great babysitters.  But it's not my fault they suck so why should I feel bad?  I just resent the amount of time I've had to spend explaining to my friends (while their heads were tilted at a 67 degree angle) why the Eagles simply suck.  They. Always. Suck.

#5 Every poseur rolled out on American Idoldaughtry

Daughtry?   David Archletta?   Jason Castro?  Clay Aiken?  Adam Lambert?   And people eat this shit up every week.  Who cares that you can drive your lazy ass a short distance to catch some epic indie band at the peak of its powers at a fine venue – hell no, honey – let's make some microwave popcorn and watch a bunch of shit cover versions from this 2nd-hand amateur talent show that feeds off the same audience that think the Harry Potter books were awesome and The Hunger Games were "too confusing".   If I'm ever asked to watch this show for more than 6.5 minutes I will plot to destroy the universe.

#4 Hootie and the BlowfishHootie-and-the-Blowfish

Oh, groups like this make this list so easy.  Does it really get any worse than this?  You know they suck when one of the most popular Google searches that pops up with auto-prompt is 'Hootie and the Blowfish sucks".  You don't even need to complete typing the sentence because Google does it for you – like a trained dog that has walked down the same path so many times.  If this band still made albums they would be voted as the band I would most want to see abducted by aliens (one taste of these boys and the aliens will never be back)!

#3 Bon Jovi220px-Bon_Jovi_Album

The only thing worse than Bon Jovi's fake brand of glam rock in the 80's is the fact that it got worse in the 90's.    And then worse in the 00's.   And by now, I'm afraid to know if he's still making music.   They're like Nightmare on Elm Street.  You go to sleep and hope it goes away but it just keeps coming back.   Decade after decade and it just sucks more than last time.  The best part about Bon Jovi music is that its like liquid Draino.  You pour this music into your stereo and afterwards everything else you listen to sounds better.  Fucking miracle mate!   Bon Jovi is the classic rock ripoff.  Let's get dressed up pretty, steal everything that was good about rock music, make it all a big fucking dumb sing-along ('Livin' on a Prayer', 'You Give Love a Bad Name') so they play it a thousand times for people that look no deeper into their music than they do with this crap band.  I'm not saying Jon BJ is a bad guy – hell, he's probably opens up the car door for his lady and a super softball coach in his free time, but if I want to listen to someone talented I'd have better luck during happy hour at amateur karaoke night.   Heck, you know they're bad when they make the Eagles look tolerable.

#2 Nickelbackmedium_nickelback_01

A true gift from the heavens for music snobs. Nickelback are established as the de facto standard for everything terrible about top 40 music.   Nickelback aren't merely posers – they are the inflatable dolls that posers play with!!  The worst Pearl Jam tribute band since Creed.   Eddie Vedder should sue them everyday for royalties.  Every person owning a Nickelback album or even a stolen mp3 (why in the hell would you steal a Nickelback mp3 is another essay) should volunteer to be shot out of a canon.   Trust me, the sound of the canon is better than the sound of that mp3.    So it's only truly fitting that we plagiarize within a Nickelback paragraph:  From UrbanDictionary.com the street definition of the term "Rocks Like Nickelback" is '1. A phrase almost always used sarcastically to denote how much something sucks'.   Don't believe me?   Google it, and yes, Google will help you finish your sentence.  Been there, done that.

#1   (Lord of the Poseurs)
Creed

The biggest, single fraud in the history of modern music and they sold 30 million records.   If I were Scott Stapp's mother I wouldn't care how old he is – I'd still try and put him up for Screen-Shot-2013-04-10-at-1.25.27-PMadoption.  Creed used God as their bullshit inspiration with Stapp's fake Jesus look and his shitty ripoff Eddie Vedder voice and his fake tattoos.   It took over a half decade before the bad listeners caught on.   Took me about 37 seconds to figure it out and kudos to the other musical Jedi's who did so even faster than I.   Creed used their fake brand of Christianity to sell records and fill arenas, which gives them the honor of being Lord of the Posers.   They still sell out some arenas today but for those who follow them into that arena you've been seriously punk'd!   The cheap toilet paper you used at that venue will add more positive value to your day than Creed.  Wipe it with a smile!

–TWTHS

More lists you say?     Here you go:

Top 15 albums of all time

The top 10 albums of 2013

The year in live music photography for 2013

Top 10 albums of 2012

Top 10 concert photos of 2012

Top 10 albums of 2011

Top 10 concert photos of 2011

20 Responses to The 10 Worst Bands. Ever.

  1. Kathy Brzozowski says:

    Totally agree with the worst bands EXCEPT when you included the dance/pop genre. My daughter is in love with Justin Beiber and I respect that – he’s very danceable and fun. And yes she likes Britney as well. I think you can like pop AND still think that Radiohead is the best band ever. We wish we had taken her to see them when we went, and i know she would have enjoyed them. I just don’t think they can be compared because they are so different – I like Lady Gaga as well. It comes down to dance music I think – when I was her age there was no such thing and if you listened to the Black stations you were considered a jungle bunny. But yes, she listens to my Radiohead in the car and quite likes it – and knows her mom is a crazy addict who spends 2/12 hours in front of her computer on a Friday night listening to them live from Bonnerroo!

  2. Dan says:

    While I generally agree that most of your choices do in fact suck, Dave Matthews is No. 1, for all time. I’m a hardliner on that shit. Also, while the Jovi ain’t my thing, I can think of about 100 worse bands that suck worse than they. Limp Bizkit comes to mind.

    • twths says:

      Thanks for the note Danny. I think we’re on the same page. The easy part is coming up with the 10 worst….the hard part is stopping at 10! :) Thanks for reading sir!

      –TWTHS

  3. Pedro says:

    Although I completely agree with #2 (worst band ever, of all time, times infinity, no questions asked), the rest of this comes off sounding way too much like a late-teen-early-twenties hipster’s list. A couple of years ago I’d agree with you, pretty much (aside from Jovi), but now dance-pop just makes me shrug and most of the other bands I just blissfully ignore. Nickelback, though? No fucking contest. Worst thing to EVER happen to music. The fact that many cool chicks I know, with otherwise decent-to-awesome musical tastes, like them is nothing if not baffling to me.

  4. Texas2Step says:

    I am so glad that someone has the guts to hate the Eagles and to say so. I can’t think of a single Eagles song I ever liked, or ever would like. They started about the time I was graduating from high school and it was impossible to avoid them for a long time. Why isn’t there a Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Shame? The Eagles would so be the first inductees.

  5. FinalWarning.net says:

    While the Black Eyed Peas’ music is horrendous, I do find them very inspiring.
    Several musicians have overcome blindness: Tristano, Ray Charles, José Feliciano, Stevie Wonder. Beethoven even wrote music when he was deaf. But the 4 members of BEP had an even bigger handicap: no talent at anything whatsoever. And they became successful in spite of this.
    Now that takes dedication.

    • Tim says:

      Now that really made me laughed so much, and so hard! Thanks FinalWarning! :)

  6. Steve1318 says:

    I respect your opinion on “The Eagles” but I personally love them especially “get over it” which is my favorite.

  7. NdeL says:

    “2nd-hand amateur talent show that feeds off the same audience that think the Harry Potter books were THE.BEST.EVER.”???
    Are you kidding me? How many Harry Potter fans do you even know? I’m one and I know several others besides me who have excellent taste in music, thank you very much.

  8. Robert Drop Tables e; Students says:

    For #5, a counterexample is Carrie Underwood. She won season 4 and is still hugely popular. You’re probably one of those people who hates country. You also shouldn’t swear so as to make your argument not seem like it was written by a 14-year-old. Bon Jovi is good, and the Eagles have Hotel Calfornia

  9. Greg says:

    But that’s, like, your opinion man…

  10. Rubens says:

    I don’t have to tell you that putting DMB in this list doesn’t make any sense. They’re all excelent musicians, their music is great and original and they don’t give a damn about their image. Their concerts are amazing, and Beauford is one of the best drummers in current days (unlike every fucking drummer out there, he doesn’t do 200 BPM in double pedal in every song to prove that he’s good).

  11. Sally Brown says:

    I’m just going to ask the question that has been tormenting my mind after I finished this list – Where the hell are Guns & Roses?
    A douchebag of such immense proportions that is Axl Rose fully deserves a spot here.
    P.S. your hatred towards bad music is inspiring

  12. The Sanity Inspector says:

    Eddie Vedder ripoffs? In the 90s everyone fronting a rock band sang in a raspy baritone, didn’t they? By that measure you’d have to put Stone Temple Pilots on this list.

  13. Algernon Blackwood says:

    Do you mean insipid? I’ve never heard of insepid before

  14. PearlJam24 says:

    Even though I hate that the Eagles are here, this is a fantastic list. Thanks for ripping apart the two Pearl Jam knockoffs.

  15. AC3S says:

    Dave Matthews Band is the FUCKING BEST BAND EVER. This list is so wrong.

  16. Dominic says:

    I agree with this list, except for the Eagles. They are very talented and have written some incredible songs.

  17. classic2thecore says:

    I think the eagles creed nickleback Dave Matthews and some of daughtry and bin jovial ar good. I think you should add pink Floyd Cindy lauper every rapper except eminent the biggest tags in music more than even wham! The pet shop boys every disco except bee gees and what would be the only bad Canadian “group” on this list arcade fire. With arms wide open by creed is very personal to me and my family and is an amazing song this website should stop bashimg great music (minus the Beatles) and start promoting it instead of bands that should never have made music and don’t deserve to have anything to do with music and are a disgrace to the industry and the actually great artists of their time instead of these blemishes on the face of music history that don’t deserve to be called musicians

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